Miscellany

If I could make one thing healthy

A couple years back I was at a New Year’s Eve dinner party when a girl proposed the question.  If you could make one thing healthy, what would it be?  I knew instantly.  I almost got excited thinking that if my idea really would be healthy how wonderful things would be.  Everyone went around the room saying their predictable and lame answer as to what would be great if it were healthy.  How they would over indulge.
“I would make cheese healthy!”
“Potato chips!  I can eat the hell out of some potato chips”!
“What would you make healthy Gus”?
So much without hesitation because I thought my idea was genius and people would love it that I just blurted out, “Cigarettes”!!

I didn’t receive the response that I had envisioned in my head.  The room fell silent.  I got looks like I had just drop kicked a puppy.
“Cigarettes?  Really?” with faces dropped.   Now I was pissed.
What is so bad about having an affection for cigarettes?  I used to smoke and absolutely loved it.  I didn’t do it because I hated myself and wanted to die.  That came later as I got out of college, aged and started working at a dead end job.  I smoked because it felt wonderful.  A cold beer and a cigarette is like chocolate and peanut butter.  A cigarette is seductive.  It’s cocky and crude.  It’s sitting in a dive bar with your face in your beer and listening to the local drunk who did nothing with his life tell you about life.  It’s barreling down the expressway with the radio blasting high with a group of friends.

“Yup, Cigarettes!  You damn right.” I said now confident and pissed off.
“You know how bad cigarettes are for you?” they snarled at me.

Yes, I am well aware how bad cigarettes are for me.  I don’t give a shit.  If I were addicted to heroin you would feel bad for me.  You as my friend would probably be my enabler.  If I worked for your company you would send me to rehab for the next 60 days, foot the bill and call me everyday to see how I was doing.  I would keep my benefits and seniority and would be patted on the back and congratulated when I returned to work.   I light up a cigarette and you want to spit on me.  If I smoked at your company you would jack up my health benefits or just drop me all together.

And alcohol, don’t even get me started on alcohol.  Commercials and music videos about how cool and glamorous it is to drink and get drunk.  A pack of cigarettes has warnings that it will kill you.  An alcohol commercial will tell you how awesome you will be if you drink.  Alcohol kills too and a lot of times it wipes out a family of four in their minivan.  Alcohol makes you do stupid shit.  Guess what?  I never smoked a Marlboro and got behind the wheel of my car only to not remember how I got home.  I have with vodka but never with a Marlboro.  Never.

I loved smoking and believe it or not, I miss it.  Of course it’s a killer.  I know this and so does everyone else that smokes but I’ll be damned if it’s not delicious.  It’s addicting just like China Buffet.  It’s also delicious just like China Buffet.

People will defend alcohol companies and their commercials.  Budweiser sponsors life.  Bet you didn’t know that??  Health care will be passed out to clean up those with drug addictions.  When you’re at the rally pushing to legalize weed and you light up a cigarette, you better be ready to run for your life!!

Have fun!

I’m upset…I’m going out on the back porch for a smoke.

“Giving up smoking is the easiest
thing in the world. I know because
I’ve done it thousands of times.”
-Mark Twain