Jalapeño Cheddar & Crab Corn Biscuits. Not sure how poor people survive? You will soon and here’s your first recipe.

This is what’s called cleaning out your cupboards so you don’t have so much shit to move.

I’m going back to my roots. Being poor. Not by choice obviously. I have the pandemic to thank for that.

Growing up Red Lobster was a treat. In my day, Red Lobster was class and expensive.

“Look at you Mr. $6 Martini”

In fact, the way this country is headed it looks like Red Lobster will one day be the classy place it once was. Life is nothing but one big cycle.

Red Lobster’s biscuits are the only real reason you go there. Which the biscuits started the whole “Order something asshole or the biscuits aren’t free” age. That’s why Olive Garden started to threaten to charge for the bread sticks.

Because people like my dad who made my mom take the “big purse” when they went to Red Lobster. Enough already. As long as you order that $6 martini we’ll keep coming with the biscuits. Cheap bastard.

We go to Red Lobster once a year for my assistants birthday. He loves that damn place. I also have to admit, they have some damn good fries.

And those damn biscuits!!

I wanted something more from the biscuit mix. I just knew there had to be a way to get more bang for you buck out of the mix. Especially in these times.

That’s what being poor teaches you. It’s funny how I’ve picked that right back up since this pandemic. It’s like riding a bike.

You can take me out of the trailer park but you can’t take the trailer park out of me.

cheddar biscuits

First, I tried making a body scrub with the biscuit mix. To keep that buttery biscuit scent with me all day.

Then I thought I should contact Yankee Candle to suggest they make a buttery Red Lobster biscuit scented candle. You know damn well that would sell in the south like crazy.

Sure these ideas are genius and the body scrub had my skin looking and feeling fantastic. But the scent made me hungry all day and craving those damn biscuits.

So I wanted something I could eat, naturally.

Something that felt like a Red Lobster Fest that I could hold in one hand and a beer in the other.

Especially now that we have that nice crisp cool autumn air. Stand on the back porch and listen to the leaves crack and break as the dog runs through the backyard barking at absolutely nothing.

Realize it’s getting dark and it’s only 4:30 so you get sad so you decided to go to bed or otherwise you’ll drink until you pass out. Either way you’re going down early. Better make the wiser choice.

Lobster Fest and the fall. Doesn’t get any better than that. Most peoples favorite time of year.

Mine included. I bet if I had a mountain view instead of the expressway it wouldn’t be nearly as depressing.

In this recipe I added cornmeal. It gives it more of a cornbread style thing. I like that. Especially with that jalapeño and the poor mans crab meat.

Red Lobster and Thai Union Group: I’m busy collaborating with other companies. However, being as myself and my assistant are such fans. We will make the time and would love to work with you. Please contact us. Looking forward to hearing from you.

“Learn to live cheap or you’ll be living in the streets” – Gus Baldwin 

Makes 17 Biscuits

cheddar corn and crab biscuits recipe


Jalapeño Corn & Crab Biscuits

1 box Red Lobster Biscuit mix including the spice packet inside
1 can corn with water
1tsp chili powder
1cup shredded cheddar cheese
1Tbsp chopped jalapeño
1/4cup cornmeal or semolina
1cup crab meat, (I used imitation. If you ain’t poor go for the real shit)

-add everything to your mixing bowl
-mix to combine
-scoop biscuits onto parchment lined baking sheet

Bake 350° 15-16 minutes. When they come out of the oven give em a generous brush of butter.

1 Comment

Comments are closed.